I am one lucky sumbitch...

Suzanne Sparklepants...

Here is a photograph (artsied-up a bit) of a brilliant, funny, charming, beautiful, and extremely patient person who is so wonderful and fantastic that she actually manages, somehow, to make me seem more interesting and attractive just by her proximity to me. My life before I met her was craptastic and shit-encrusted. The 10 years since have been like a twilight ride on the Legend roller coaster at Holiday World, rushing throught the trees as darkness falls, never really knowing what's going to happen next, but always thrilled and excited and ready for the next hairpin curve or camel hump (airtime!) or sudden heart-stopping plunge. Hey, I think it's going faster this time!

Not really all that funny-

Here are just some thoughts that I put down on Notepad (not a notepad) a few months ago. Apropos of nothing. Not particularly funny. Just wanted to stick it up her. Like ta hear it? Here it goes.


Practice kindness, courtesy, patience.

Try to give no one cause to hate you. Treat every person with kindness, courtesy, patience, and respect. Recognize, however, that some people will not like you no matter what you do. Accept this fact and move on.

Appreciate every moment and every experience. Take nothing for granted.

Recognize that perception is reality.

Life is too short for you to waste precious time worrying about things you can not control.

Treat others as you would have them treat you; in fact, being good to others is the same as being good to yourself.

Remain calm in the presence of agitation and turmoil.

Cultivate serenity, courage, strength, and wisdom.

Realize that life is best when it is lived. There is no future time when your life will begin “for real”. This, now, is your life.

Every moment of life, every moment of awareness, is precious.

Study and learn and grow. Stretch until it hurts; pain can be a sign of growth.

Do as much as you can do. Recognize, however, that some things can not be done. Accept this fact and move on.

Try to understand the craziness of others.
(Those manic, hyperventilating folks may not be all that crazy after all.)

What would Andy Taylor do?

Work hard, sweat, get dirty. Struggle, strive, and overcome.

Cautiously optimistic...

I can't help it. I'm excited. Cautiously so, very cautiously, but excited. Some good things may be happening very soon. I'm trying to keep my mind occupied on solid facts, not on possibilities. But, it is hard not to formulate my little plans. It's also hard not to become impatient with the slow movement of time and the persistent non-ringing of the telephone. I will try to keep focused on the tasks at hand. Not think or worry too much about events that are not currently within my control. Try not to compulsively check my home email account 400 times a day.

So, you just lost the "Funniest Knoxvillian ever to appear on Saturday Night Live contest"...to Melanie "Delta Delta Delta" Hutsell.

P.J. Clapp, you let us down. Dude, I understand that live comedy may not be your forte, but did you really have to go and stink up the joint so badly last Saturday night? I mean, I was pretty much on the fence anyway about the "Dukes of Hazzard" remake movie, not least of all due to your involvement in said project (Tom Wopat could kick your ass, "Jack" or otherwise). Your general craptastic suckitude did nothing to pull me into the "Johnny Knoxville is a hilarious comedic actor who has a bright future ahead of him" camp. For shame. Go put some more staples in your crotch.

Plus, the rumors that you've been seen cavorting with your co-star Jessica Simpson don't improve your standing in my eyes.

In conclusion: be funnier. Hurting yourself on purpose is funny, but not for long. The ability to take a kick to the groin is admirable in a "hey man, watch 'is" kind of way, but it's certainly not something on which to attempt to build a career.

As Billy Ocean would say: "Simply...awesome."

Mere words cannot adequately capture the magnificence of this particular product, so I will only point out that as the weather heats up, our lawn will require more and more water to remain green and lush. Can wait for the Death Star bird feeder or Tusken Raider mole guillotine..

Sign of Warmer Weather...

I saw my first dead 'dillo of the season today. At least, I think it was a dead armadillo. It very easily could have been an armadillo-sized pile of corned beef hash, garnished with armadillo tail, left on the side of the road near a construction site. But, probably not.

I sure do love ya, Mom! I am proud to call myself your son..